Ronaldo Gets his Ass Kicked
by sombreromoustache
Summary: Ronaldo wants to fight the diamonds, but will only be allowed to if he can beat ONE person. Who will it be? No one.


Ronaldo was being a little shit as he always was. He went to the Donut Shop just as Lars and Sadie were about to make out and proceeded to lecture them about how some Space Rocks were going to come down and enslave everyone on earth and then destroy to make more Space Rocks. While Sadie stopped Lars from smacking the POS with a chair, she told him that unless he was going to buy a donut, they would have to ask him to leave. Ronaldo bought twenty donuts and ate all of them in a span of three seconds. Ronaldo then left the donut shop and headed to the pizza place where he told everyone that the Diamond authority was going to put them in zoos. The folks at the Pizza place were less enthused of having him there and told him to get the hell out.

Ronaldo was not happy that no one wanted to deal with his bullshit. So he decided he was gonna go to the one person in the world that put up with him: Steven Universe.

Steven Universe was playing a video game that was an obvious homage to the Soul Calibur series.

"STEVEN!" Ronaldo wailed into his ears, "The Gems! They're gonna fuuuuuck us up!"

Steven's combo in the game was ruined and he made a face that told said, "God in heaven, why the fuck did you punish me with this degenerate?"

Steven didn't swear because he was a precious angel so instead in his mind he thought, "God in heaven, why the heck did you punish me with this degenerate?"

Steven then asked, "Ronaldo what are you doing here, and why did you come into my house?" Steven looked at Garnet and eyed her towards the .22 they kept in the cabinet.

"Well, Steven. I am here to educate you about how the Diamonds will come and they will destroy the earth!" Ronaldo had a seizure while he rambled about his theories that were false.

"Ronaldo, the diamonds already showed up. And my mom shattered the Pink one," Steven explained.

"WAIT! Your mom shattered a PINK gem!? Steven! Your mom is homophobic!" Ronaldo foamed out of his mouth the word 'homophobic.'

"Wat," Steven and the Crystal Gems collectively said in questioning.

Amethyst loaded the .22 with buckshot while Pearl phoned Greg and then the police while Ronaldo ranted and raved about the gems.

"I don't understand!" he sputtered, "Why we aren't killing the Diamonds! I could do it!" Do any of you remember that one part of the Simpson's Movie where during the scene where Grandpa Simpson receives a message from God and at the very end he's spinning on the floor on his side? Well if you do, Ronaldo was doing just that. And it was just as humorous. Laugh. Please.

"You could shatter the gems?" Garnet raised an eyebrow above her glasses, "Please. You'd get your ass kicked before you could even see the Diamonds."

"Matter of fact, I think you would get your ass kicked by just about anyone," Pearl added, rubbing salt in the wound.

"WHAAAT! That's bullshit, I could kick someone's ass!" Ronaldo attempted to defend himself.

"Well let's see. Ronaldo, if you can kick at least one person's ass, then we'll consider letting you go fight the Diamonds," Garnet challenged him, internally Ruby and Sapphire were laughing their tiny sexy asses off at the mere thought of them even fighting ONE of the diamonds.

"Very well!" Ronaldo tipped his fedora, "I accept your challenge!"

Soon they were in the colosseum in the sky where a number of challengers appeared to take the opportunity to kick Ronaldo's ass, along with an entire stadium ready to watch it. Lars was recording the event to use as fapping material. Normally, Sadie would object, but after years of dealing with Ronaldo's bullshit, she was going to jerk off to that to. I mean, not right then cuz jerking off in public is kinda weird.

Lars and Sadie were into mutual masturbation since they couldn't afford condoms. Donut shops didn't pay well.

The first person to kick Ronaldo's ass was Peridot. Peridot was able to use her prosthetics which she rebuilt for such an event and throttled him from a long distance.

The second person to kick his ass was Watermelon Steven. He and his watermelon brethren all collectively punched him until he timed out.

Sour Cream, the walking stick, was able to kick Ronaldo once and the fool was down for the count.

Steve Urkel showed up and beat his ass with very little effort. Disappointing as Steve hoped he would get the opportunity to use his inventions.

Hello Kitty kicked him in the shins until he fell over.

Waddle Dee, and not the badass Waddle Dee with a blue bandana from Super Star Ultra, a normal fucking Waddle Dee, walked into Ronaldo and without destroying himself, he defeated Ronaldo.

Cory, from Cory in the House the greatest anime ever created, used the powers from Jojo's Bizzare Adventure and the DC3 to utterly obliterate Ronaldo. Who didn't die because he got fully recovered every time a battle ended.

Yamcha beat him. Yamcha. Beat. Him.

Pichu from Melee was able to beat him, easily. Which actually isn't that shocking (I'm sorry) because Pichu can be pretty good if you know how to use him.

The real shock was when Ganondorf from Brawl beat him with the nerfed Ganon Punch. Which was shocking. No one ever got defeated from that attack. And if they did, they only received 15% damage.

Superman flew and challenged Ronaldo. But this wasn't any Superman, this was Superman 64's Superman. Did you know that the game is actually called Superman the New Superman Aventures? Well, Superman defeated Ronaldo with his seizure fists and then knocked him down by flying into him.

Ronaldo was wondering why no one was showing up to fight him when he was suddenly knifed in the back by the Spy, "You can keep the knife. After it getting soaked with your blood, I never want to touch it again!"

The entire cast of characters from Overwatch all used their ultimates on him. Even Mercy, so that they could return to beating him up when he was resurrected.

Suddenly, the greatest meme ever created in the history of high quality kind was sounding in Ronaldo's ear. Robbie Motherfuckin' Rotten and his three look-alikes began dancing and singing to "We Are Number One." The shock and awe, and the pure spectacle of this beauty, was enough to cause Ronaldo to evaporate from existence.

Dan Hibiki decided to use this opportunity to use his most powerful moves. If used on a normal person, it would be like a freaking gust of wind. But when used on Ronaldo, it caused him to receive cancer. And then die.

As Darth Vader was attempting to force choke the life out of Ronaldo, (and at this point, this fic is turning a lot into a death fetish fic) but Jar Jar Binks, the motherfucking kink, showed up and somehow screwed up everything so much that Darth Vader shoved his lightsaber into Ronaldo's butt. And this really did turn into a fetish fic. Fuck me.

But if anyone ever did give Ronaldo a real ass whooping, it was Pee Wee Herman. He beat it so hard that before Ronaldo was healed, he was unrecognizable. Pee Wee's hands were covered in his blood, and for once the audience gave Ronaldo a bit of pity.

More and more people came and kicked Ronaldo's ass and it was quickly becoming apparent, that Ronaldo was the worst thing ever created. Even more so than before.

Finally, the last person to face him, was Steven.

"Steven! At long last a worthy opponent!" Ronaldo gleaned while drawing his katana that he bought from an anime convention. Which he did not. He bought it from a furry convention because he's that much of a degenerate. I'm sorry my furry readers. I shouldn't insult you all by calling Ronaldo a furry. That is just going way too far. But Ronaldo was still a degenerate, "I will defeat you, Steven. I have mastered every form of combat after getting my ass kicked thousands of times! And now I will-

Steven stabbed him in the heart, "Yeah no. You lose," Steven admonished him.

Holy shit! Steven killed someone!

"No. That can't be! I can't die! I need one more chance!" Ronaldo begged while he was fucking dying.

"Very well, I will give you one last chance," a voice boomed.

Ronaldo was resurrected as sombreromoustache descended from his laptop and entered the fic.

"Oh my god," Pearl muttered, "Can he do that?"

Garnet just shrugged.

"You bastard! You turned this into a self-insert fic!" Ronaldo accused the writer.

"You're damn right I did!" sombrero said. Or, me said. Or I said. I don't know.

Ronaldo got up and gripped his katana, "Why did you resurrect me? What's the point?!"

Sombrero's fist caught with blue fire, because why the fuck not? "Because I want the satisfaction of killing you."

Ronaldo could only stand there in horror as sombrero punched him so far that it obliterated him, destroying his physical form and killing him once and for all.

Ronaldo was sent to hell because he was that bad of a character. Lol.

* * *

 **A/N If it wasn't obvious at this point, I don't like Ronaldo. In my opinion he's the worst character on the show, with Onion coming pretty fucking close. Actually Onion's worse, hate that little prick.**

 **If you want me to add characters to kick Ronaldo's ass, write them down in the reviews or PM them to me and I'll add them to the fic. Hope you enjoy this one guys, this was a lot of fun to write.**


End file.
